Escape from Crumbley Castle

Get me out of here, this home of geriatric crumblies slowly revolving around the dancefloor to music played by balding men.

Breakfast at 8.30, on the coach at 9.30, trapped for 2 hours listening to people talk about operations and death, followed by a brief burst of excitement in some hokey little scottish town, then it's back on the coach. Arrive at 17.00, dinner at 19.00, 'entertainment' at 20.30 and then bed.

Rinse and Repeat.

All the time, the scottish glens entice me, the fact that out there is wildlife, whiskey, walks, boats, young people. Glasgow just 50 miles down the road with bars, clubs and night life. City of culture.

This is a hotel of culture, but it's the kind you find in a petri dish, otherwise known as mould.

I wonder down the corridors chanting "Red ruuuum" "Reeeddd Ruuuuum" - I'd take that scenario over normality. Perhaps someone will break down my door with an axe this evening. I'll leap out the window running naked screaming for the hills, clutching bottles of single malt whiskey to my chest, being pelted with shortbread and haggis.

This is Scotland for christs sake, it's NOT supposed to be like this, is it?

Perhaps it is, which is why most Scottish people leave as soon as they get the chance.
How many lochs, glens, castles and wee twee towns can you really take before you either leave, or hit the bottle? It's no wonder that the Scottish perfected the art of Whiskey, there's fuck all else to do up here!

It's either that or start a fight, or do both.

I protest too much, I do. This is fantastic scenery, it really is, if I could actually get to WALK on some of it, instead of sitting on the coach for bum numbing hours with people a million years older than me.

"oooh, look dear, there's a deer, dear."
"Yes love, Agnes had hers taken out last week, she's been ever so poorly you know"
"oooh, look dear, isn't that a castle?"
"Yes love, my legs ache and my face is falling off, is it far to go?, I need to pee myself again"
"What dear?"
"I said isn't it a luverley twee dee dear"
"yes, yes it is, what day is it? I had a nice fish supper last millenium, it was ever so good, except for the bones, they get stuck in my ears you know."


ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.